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Beauty Is Only A Few Layers Of Fat Deep

July 17, 2007

Ever since I hit puberty, I’ve struggled with my weight. Perhaps one of the first moments when I realized that I had a “less than desirable” body shape was after church, when I was visiting with another girl my age. I remember being all excited because I was FINALLY filling out a bra, and I thought this was so great until the girl I was with informed me that she thought it was just fat that made my “womanly charms” noticable.

It was in that moment that I discovered there is no hole to disappear in when you really need it. My slightly puffed-out chest quickly concaved into hunched shoulders and bowed head – a look that followed me through most of my teenage years.

Sadly, cruel statements are common around kids, so I’m going to guess that everybody who reads this can relate in some way. I was unfortunate enough to also have a father who was an overgrown bully, so it was not only my peers that were cruel. At one point my dad pointedly informed me that nobody would ever love me or want to have anything to do with me if I didn’t lose weight. Nobody loves a fat cow, after all!

When I was living out on my own, I managed to lose most of that extra weight – mostly due to smoking and skipping meals, or sticking my finger down my throat when I felt “disgusting.” It wasn’t hard for me to get the attention of guys – almost any guy I wanted. There wasn’t any satisfaction in that, since during my first semester of college I got the worst kind of male attention possible, and still have a few emotional scars as a result.

Soon after that terrible first semester, I met my future husband Tim. Somehow, being loved by a man like Tim was like a giant Band-Aid on my soul. He taught me, not by words but by actions, that my dad was and is wrong, and I am loveable just as I am. He not only accepts my quirks and idiosyncracies, but actually enjoys them, claiming that they are a part of me – and I would be less without them.

Lately I’d been dealing with some of my old, negative thoughts again – in part because quitting smoking has slowed down my metabolism and I felt a bit like that hunched over teenager. And yet again Tim reminded me that to him, I am beautiful – just as I am.

Thank you Tim, for being the man you are. I love you too – just as you are.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Timmy permalink
    July 17, 2007 2:00 pm

    I love you too Heather…and for pete sake you aren’t fat!!! 😉

  2. July 27, 2007 12:23 pm

    I’ve only dealt with the ‘fat’ issue as an adult, after my second kid. my nightmare was acne. high school was not just difficult, it was torture. my head down more than not, so as to avoid looking at my tormentors; most of them cute boys, but occasionally a mean girl would catch on to the pain it caused, so they would jeer, too. nothing quite so horrifying as passing the cutest guy in school and he asks for mushrooms with his pepperoni pizza.

    atleast my parents comforted me, they had both suffered through high school so they knew how it felt. I’m sorry that you had a sucky dad, you deserve so so much better. you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. it’s no wonder timmy loves you so. *hug*

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